She was a diffrent girl.
She made all the wrong choices.
The rules never applied to her.
She said she was too cool.
The blue new girl.
She was unfaithful
untrue.
The blue girl.
Because she lost everyone she knew.
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Canary word: Present
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
I liked what you were trying to say but as they said it was a bit rushed. Also you have a lot of spelling errors. In the "Poll" you miss spelled "one".
"diffrent" should be spelled "different".
untrue should probably be "Untrue" and I wouldn't bother with all those periods.
I think this poem has a lot of potential. But I would listen to the advice you've been given read up. And keep writing!
Wesley's Score:
This seems just like a vague summary of a person. The heart of everything seems to be in the last stanza, but I don't see a general direction for anything else, not much to back up what you're saying and give it depth. And as such, don't think this is really valid as a poem.
I agree with Suzanne. This poem doesn't really offer much; it's just a few simple sentences. With line breaks. And you will soon learn that poetry is not made by line breaks alone. These are just a few vague sentences about a character I can't even come to know. Tell me, why should I care? Why is she blue? Why is she different? Why is she untrue? And why on earth should I want to know what happened to her?
Just go take a break, read lots and lots of GOOD poetry (go to the library, not to the internet), and then, once you've truly started to love reading it and thinking about it, try again. Then practice, and practice some more, and listen to the critiques you get on YWS. If you want to excel, you have to work hard and please, take it seriously. Proofread to remove spelling and grammatical errors. Also, putting a poll at the top of your poem is about the most un-serious thing you could do, so I suggest you save that fun little tool for posts in Randomness or the Lounge.
Like your last poem I critiqued, this just doesn't have a lot in it. You've been posting a lot of poetry, real fast. I would suggest you slow down, and learn what poetry is about first.
It isn't just about writing about some emotion, there are things that poetry should do/have. Poetic elements? Word choice, wittiness, beauty. It should make me feel something.
I really can't critique this, I can only say, take the advice I gave you in the last critique: read poetry and learn. Like anything, poetry is learned. You don't just start being good, and if you don't take some time to learn how to write poetry, you'll never write [good] poetry.
Hope you don't take this too harshly.
I really don't know how I feel about this one. I think it's too rushed. If you give it some length and fluff it out more it could be really nice. But right now it has really no imagery at all. Like they say "You're telling but not showing" or whatever the heck that line was. And even on those lines you aren't telling much.
Best of luck!
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay